“Honey, I feel like you’re doing all the work,” I said, plopping down on the couch next to my wife as she breastfed our newborn, Henry.

A slow smile came across Caitlin’s face as she gestured to the tray of drinks and food that I’d carried upstairs. “Do you realize how much this helps me?” she responded. “I’m thirsty and hungry all the time, but so is Henry, and I can’t find even two minutes to go to the kitchen!” And then she stuffed a peanut butter sandwich into her mouth.

When we brought my son home, I felt that I wasn’t needed by Henry the way he needed his mother. But with one tray of food, I realized that I played a pivotal role as a new dad: my family’s provider and protector. Through my support and love for my wife, I could help my son be happier and healthier.

Here are six simple, everyday ways new dads can help your first-time-mom wife:

• Help Her Recover: Childbirth is very hard on a woman’s body. Keep the fridge well-stocked with grab-and-go foods like yogurt and cut fruit, make sure she drinks enough water, and when you do cook meals, make double portions so she can snack on leftovers later.

• Encourage Rest: Make a ‘baby station’ on the couch. Surround the new mom with pillows, blankets, snacks and drinks, and anything the baby will need. Encourage her to rest -- chores can wait. 

• Be Her Bouncer: Your partner may not want others to play ‘pass the baby’ when she’d rather be bonding with her newborn. If she is trying to establish a breastfeeding routine, visitors can be particularly disruptive. She also may find well-meaning family members and friends’ constant advice to be annoying. She may be too tired or sore to handle it, so be sure to ask others for alone time when your partner or baby clearly needs a break.

• Bond with Baby: Diaper changes and baths are amazing opportunities to bond with your baby -- and give your partner a chance to rest. Don’t wait for her to ask you to do these things; if you catch a whiff of a dirty diaper, be proactive and change the baby right away.

• Get Her Out of the House: If your partner is able and willing to leave your newborn for a few hours, book her an appointment for a post-natal massage or a manicure. If leaving the baby isn’t a realistic option, give her an at-home break. Ask your wife’s best friend to come over with takeout, and do as much of the baby care as possible while the ladies catch up.

• And Last, But Not Least…: Tell your her she’s beautiful. Tell her she’s a great new mom. Tell her that you’re amazed by everything her incredible body is able to do. Give her a hug, hold her hand, and gaze into her eyes. The little gestures mean a great deal to a new mother.

Photo by Jimmy Conover on Unsplash

The first year with your preemie often involves juggling many check-ups and appointments. Because our babies’ brains and bodies are so plastic, early intervention is a critical tool for supporting preemies. Premature babies are always evaluated based on their ‘adjusted’ age rather than their actual age. This means that if your baby was born at 32 weeks, when they are two months old (8 weeks) they are evaluated as a newborn.

Dr. Yasmin Lyons is a pediatrician who has worked extensively with preemies. She emphasizes that: “Often the baby is doing what is completely normal for their corrected age, and it’s important for parents not to compare the progress with that made by other babies.” You’ll quickly decide who to talk to about your baby being a preemie. Margie, a mother of a preemie born at twenty weeks, told me: “I just always gave the adjusted age of my preemie because I just didn’t want to have to have the whole conversation with strangers."

As parents of preemies, we start feeling more confident when we see our baby eating and reaching textbook milestones. This can vary dramatically depending on how premature our baby is. In other words, a “30-weeker” will have a very different roadmap in the first year then a “34-weeker.” Hospital preemie clinics can be a good resource for reassurance. Premature baby clinics in addition to a pediatric neurologist often include an occupational therapist and a physical therapist, allowing a more thorough evaluation of the premature infant. Susan, a mother of a 33 week preemie, told me: “I was worried because Isabel wasn’t holding her bottle. The neurologist at the preemie clinic told me, ‘Oh she can totally do it, she is just choosing not to!’ I was so relieved that she was on track and making her own decisions!”

The most important thing to understand is that your preemie will always be evaluated at their ‘adjusted’ age, allowing an equal playing field in the evaluation. Based on adjusted age, your doctor will be looking for the following things:

At three months: Gross motor skills: open hands, some holding/grasping, some neck control, visual tracking (i.e., following an object or person with their eyes), cooing vowel sounds, smiling.

At six months: Gross motor: rolling over, head control, pushing with their legs while you are holding them, spinning on their stomach, holding toys and shaking, bringing toys to their mouth, lots of prolonged eye contact, engaged with those around them.

9-12 months: Gross motor skills: “the army crawl” (pulling themselves forward on their tummy), sitting up on their own, holding and shaking toys, pulling upright. Language progresses to consonants and vowel sounds strung together, with a few words identified. Smiling and laughter is a regular part of your life.

As a general rule, pediatricians give premature babies a wide margin to be reaching targets based on how premature they were. Variations within a twelve week range can be normal, yet with good intervention concerning physical, occupational, and speech therapy, almost all premature babies are deemed “done” with being “premature” by 24 months!

I don’t think it’s possible to be fully prepared for becoming a mom. When I delivered my son, Jacob, 10 weeks early, I felt 10 times as unprepared for the transition into motherhood. I quickly realized I could not hold him after he was born, for he was too underdeveloped and sick. I could not look down and stare into his beautiful eyes, since they were covered. But I also realized I wouldn’t let that stop me from being his mom and loving him as much as I could. Since I couldn’t bring my premature baby boy home and rock him in my arms all day, here’s how I bonded with the new love of my life.

Embrace your new full-time job. Much of my maternity leave was spent at the hospital, which was obviously less than ideal. But I made caring for my son as best I could in the NICU my new full-time job. It quickly became the hardest, but most rewarding job I ever had -- even without the pay. I just wanted Jacob to know I was there, and was certain that he did. Just because we weren’t together in our home didn’t mean I should act differently as his mom than I planned to.

Participate in newborn duties (and doodies!) While Jacob was in the NICU, I did whatever I could to care for him, just as I would if we were home. When I could nurse, I nursed. If he had a dirty diaper, I helped changed it. I wanted to care for my son as much as I could, and not feeling completely helpless helped me. It’s important for moms of preemies to get comfortable with their baby immediately, and try not to depend on the nurses for the things you will need to do once the baby comes home.

Hold your baby when possible. Any chance I could hold and touch Jacob, I did. The first time I held him was difficult, because he was hooked up to so many wires. After a while, I barely noticed. I remembered learning during my pregnancy that skin to skin contact is one of the first and best things to do with your newborn to not only bond, but to boost their health and growth. It was those moments that nobody could take away.

Project your beautiful voice. While pregnant, my husband and I did what most parents-to-be do, and talked and sang to our growing baby. At the hospital, we continued to talk and sing to our tiny love, and knew he recognized the voices he had heard for months. We brought books to read to Jacob, awaiting the day we could snuggle at home with books in hand together.

My emotions were very raw after the birth of my son. I was very scared and upset -- often with myself. I felt inferior, as if my role as a mom wasn’t up to par with other moms. I felt responsible, but also determined to do everything I could to help my premature baby strive. I felt as though we can work together as a team to go home. Letting myself feel and talk to others about those feelings -- including other moms of preemies in the NICU -- allowed me to be the best mother I could be for my son. Now, years later, my son is thriving and I look back on those early days as a challenge well worthwhile. 

Waiting five years to have a second baby wasn't something I planned; it just happened that way. As it turned out, the large gap suited me well. Sure, there was a small learning curve to master regarding changes in the labor and delivery process. But for the most part, having an older child made it easier to handle my second pregnancy. My daughter was four-going-on-five when I told her she was going to have a younger sibling, and she couldn't have been more excited. There's no doubt my second pregnancy was special. Here's why.    

• I had less time to worry about my symptoms. Okay, I admit to being nervous throughout the entire nine months of my first pregnancy. From morning sickness to labor pains, I feared the unknown. Like any second pregnancy, I now knew what to expect. Happily, busy days with my daughter occupied my thoughts this time around. At her age, she could carry on a conversation, she was potty-trained, and she was well on her way to forging her own friendships. Life was good -- and easier than it had been for a while.  

• My first child was old enough to understand. Now that my daughter was more mature and had plenty in her own life to focus on, jealousy over the new baby wasn't a problem. Other than making arrangements for a babysitter during the labor and delivery process, there wasn't much we had to do to prepare her. We simply needed to engage her in the process. As soon as I saw the "Welcome Home" signs that she made to greet her new brother, I realized there were several small tasks she could do to feel special and included.  

• It wasn't impossible to get the rest I needed. One of the biggest challenges of any second pregnancy is that there's less time to rest because you're busy taking care of another child. Because my daughter was five years old, I didn't have to carry around a heavy diaper bag, and I certainly didn't have to carry her. Even better, she understood that I occasionally got tired. If that meant spending some extra time watching her favorite show, coloring or solving a puzzle, we didn't sweat it.

Everything comes with some challenges, and a five-year gap in pregnancies is no exception. For starters, five years is a long time in today's fast-paced world of fashion. Truth is, my maternity clothes from the first pregnancy were already out of style. I also had to educate myself about some minor updates delivery process. None of this was a big deal, but necessary all the same. Today I can happily reflect on my five-year gap between pregnancies. It was a special time for all of us.

Photo by ???????? Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

Twins run in the family, but I never really thought about it. My oldest, Rowan, had bad reflux and was up a lot crying, and we thought, ‘We’ll just have the next baby close to this one. That way we’re not doing this for 10 years!’ We didn’t think it would happen so quickly.

When we had the ultrasound, I think my husband, Michael, was probably more shocked to find out we were having twins than I was. He said, ‘I have to sit down, I don’t think I ate breakfast.’ I’m a planner, so I immediately thought, ‘Okay, how are we going to do this? What are the steps?’ There are only 16 months between Rowan and the twins!

During my second pregnancy, I wondered how I could share my love with another child so soon after the first, let alone three children. That was one thing I had to realize would all work out. I didn’t know what to expect from Rowan, and everyone said to me, ‘Oh, she might be jealous.’ But honestly, she was too young to know. As a 16-month-old she was very self-absorbed and she just did things the way she wanted to.

Physically, it’s hard; there you are with two car carriers. I think my arms were in the best shape they had ever been!  And Rowan was young, so doing everything was a lot more time consuming. You don’t always want to go around with a stroller for three -- it’s physical juggling.

One of my good friends had twins, and her main advice to me was to schedule. You need to be as scheduled as possible, and don’t let those two babies deviate from each other and Rowan. That’s not as true at the beginning, but as soon as we could get them situated on an eating and sleeping schedule, we stuck to it. It really did work and that was probably the best advice I’ve received.

The best advice I can give: Leave extra time for everything. That way you have a few extra minutes to catch up if things don’t go perfectly. Oh, and always take a change of clothes for yourself, because now you have two kids who might throw up on you instead of one.

Consider yourself lucky to have twins the second pregnancy. You learn so much from the first baby. The transitions through stages for the twins were so much easier because I’d already done it with Rowan. You think to yourself, ‘I’ve seen this before.’ I really thought I was remembering it all. As I got older, I thought, ‘What was their first this again?’ There are days when you just feel like you have no idea. Just go on with the next thing. Try to enjoy it and realize that it is different and it is special.

It’s really been great. The kids always have someone to play with, and my first three have always had each other pretty much from the start. They have their own unique relationships with each other, and for Rowan, it’s an experience that others don’t necessarily have, having twins as siblings. I think that’s been a pretty neat thing. We can’t imagine it being any different.

Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash